I'm scared of growing up

 Happy new year. Well, another year has begun once again and I still have that same feeling I do everyday. So I just finished watching stranger things and it really hit me that I am not a kid anymore. Well, I knew this already but thinking that this had been 10 years in the making but it feels just like yesterday made me feel this pit in my chest. I don't talk to a lot the people I did 10 years ago. I thought they would be my friends for a while but once people moved on to other things, they seemed to distance themselves from me. Yet, I remained stuck in the familiarity and clung to them even when my friendly advances were not reciprocated. It sucks. The things that brought you so much joy don't anymore. It's unfair, expecting something you did for fun to now fill some insatiate void from your childhood being ripped away. 

I hold on to things because I'm scared to let go and start again. Everyone found it so easy to make new friends, and slip into their new routines, change their style, their hair. I don't know why I'm scared to. It just makes me worry that I will never be able to assimilate and become independent. I do things the same way I did when I was 12 because I worry that if I change, I won't know where to go with things. Why does it seem so much easier for everybody else? Why did the people I was closest with just forget about me and get close with other people? 

It makes me so sad to look around at my life and see potential for me to blossom into someone else but I just want to be with my old friends, my old routine, watching tv with my sisters and getting yelled at for turning the tv before doing our homework. It's so insane to think that that part of my life is over and I have to let it go. I feel so lost. Not the best way to start the new year but maybe addressing these feelings are how I will start to break down the walls I've put up. I don't know.

I will be 2 decades old this year. Just as close to 10 as I am to 30 and not a teenager anymore. I just don't want to lose any more of my life living in the past.

Christmas is just around the corner again

First of all, I can't believe another year is over. When you get older, time feels longer but at the same time, I can remember things that happened at the start of the year like it was yesterday.  I didn't think I would be here talking about the same thing again but, here I am. Last year in December, I got word that one of my classmates passed away and a few days later I found out that he had actually killed himself. It actually affected me a lot, even though I didn't know him as closely as some other people. I don't know why but the whole situation made me see life so differently because I was forced to acknowledge that being young does not exempt you from the inevitable fate that awaits us all.

For the next few weeks the world just felt different, like his absence had a presence. I started thinking about our times in class, how he would always be laughing and making jokes too early in the morning, in french class when we would read aloud and he would pronounce all the words wrong or in math class when we were all talking about where we wanted to go at the end of the 2 year diploma and he said he wanted to go to MIT. 

A year later here we are and yet another young person has lost their life in this way.What makes it sadder is that at our age we've barely lived what could be called a meaningful life. Most of our time has been spent at school which in retrospect is only one portion of our entire lives but at the moment it feels like everything. I think about all the things they're not going to get the chance to experience, new music from their favorite artists, all the new theatre-filling movies, a food that would have been their favourite if they got the chance to try it.

I can't imagine the pain they must have felt in their last moments. Searching for a reason to keep going, grasping for straws. A person to talk to, a pet. And I guess they felt that in that moment they didn't have any of that. It may have been true. 

I commented something under a video a while ago "As long as you're alive, you still have a chance." I got a few likes and someone thanked me. It's such a simple statement but it's something that a lot of people don't realise until they hear it. For me it was when I saw a video someone made saying that we are allowed to start over as many times as we want. I had this plan for how I thought my life would play out and it went nothing like I expected. I had a picture of who I thought  I would be and I wasn't that person and it ruined my sense of worth and 'purpose'. Life is like that sometimes and it feels awful.

I find that people kill themselves because nobody truly sees about them while they're here. Sure they will listen the first couple of times but suicidal ideation is an everyday ordeal and people eventually stop being willing to put up with you. I know because I've experienced it myself. Paragraphs of messages left sitting in someone's inbox for days. Expressing my anxiety issues and then being left out for having anxiety. Going weeks with nobody reaching out to me unless I do first. My own parents not speaking to me about anything beyond school.

On my 16th birthday, I was going to drink a bottle of bleach. I had had enough of the crying and being ignored and nobody listening. I only didn't do it because I was scared it wouldn't work and I would have to get my stomach pumped and it would hurt. But the next day, I felt a little better and I didn't want to do it anymore. People live with the pain for as long as possible but on a whim that pain can turn into an impulse and end with them dead when maybe all they needed was a break. Or maybe they wanted to be over with it all. They saw no point in life and its endless list of meaningless things to do so they opted out, in which case, I hope they got the peace that they were searching for.

All this happening has made me start asking myself questions about my purpose. I'm trying to find it because I see now, you can not live a life where things just happen to you and you aren't going anywhere. If I'm going to be alive for a while, I can't keep living my days just waiting for them to end. I've been living that way for a long time and now I feel closer to death than ever.

Picture of our Christmas lights that reminded me of Stranger things.(Last episodes will be out in 15 days!)

Life is

 Life is cruel, life is fun, life is tiring and exciting, life is meaningless yet priceless. We live our lives in comfort and unperturbed until we are rudely reminded that nothing is promised nor guaranteed to anyone. No one is invincible and sooner or later, we all learn this. How can something so beautiful be also so bleak? It's hard to not anxiously be waiting for the rug to get pulled from under you. For that life-altering moment when you know things will never be the same. Sadly, I can't turn off these thoughts, because the same thoughts that make me question the dicey, undependable nature of life are the same thoughts that allow me to appreciate the magnificent offerings life has to give. Cancer, murder, puppies and ice-cream-- we gamble for our fate everyday and hope for the best.

Let's not be victims

 As you know, I'm very open about my anxiety problems and I speak about them in almost every post. The truth is, the first time I felt anxiety was when I was 4 and just started school. Of course back then, they just said I was shy and would grow out of it. I am much confident than I was then but the truth is, the anxiety never left. It's always there, even when I'm not really doing anything; I just feel short of breath and like I'm supposed to be somewhere, or doing something but I'm not really sure what that is. It's persistent and relentless and I hate it.

Today morning, I watched a TedTalk about anxiety and it was quite insightful. Honestly, the times when I've been able to silence my anxiety, albeit for a little while, are the times when I've tricked myself into thinking I don't care. I feel like everyone is determined to give everything a label nowadays and yes it's good to give a name to your issue but at the same time, it makes it seem like this insurmountable, out of control thing that you can't do anything about. Yes, it is your brain releasing these chemicals that trigger the anxiety but your brain is a part of you, it IS you. You're not disconnected, or in conflict with each other. 

It's nice to pass the blame onto something else because then it's not your fault therefore not your problem to deal with. At the end of the day, other people might give you a pass with that excuse but ultimately, you're the one left suffering because you refuse to do anything about it. I know because for the longest time I used my anxiety as a reason to opt out of having to speak during a group presentation, or going out somewhere or trying to talk to new people and people were really nice and understanding but at the end of the day, when I had to sit back and reflect, I felt intense shame and just like I'd denied myself of opportunities. 

We're all going to die someday so nothing we do will have any impact on our lives once that happens. Constantly living on the side of caution is such a waste. I am not perfect even now but every chance I have to take control of my brain I do. I offer to give a presentation, I offer to go ask for extra napkins at a restaurant, I ask how to use a machine at the gym, I ask questions in class when I don't understand, I ask classmates for help doing an assignment. Does it get easier each time? I don't know. I still feel that racing feeling just before I do any of these things, but I can say, the relief afterwards is almost immediate. 

Ironically, when I'd avoid situations in hopes of not triggering my anxiety, I'd get more anxious thinking about what I missed out by skipping doing whatever. 

When I go online and see people posting about their anxiety, it makes me sad but also angry. It's not a physical disability or cancer or something that has to be medicated to cure. It reminds me of this picture:

Honestly, you just have to tell your mind to be quiet sometimes. I say this, not to be insensitive, believe me I struggle with anxiety almost every day, from the moment I get up to the moment my eyes shut at night. I'm just saying that the only times I receive momentary peace and I'm able to do things my anxiety forbids are when I refuse to give my anxiety attention and give it power by calling it a disorder or 'how I am'. It's just one aspect of me. 

I want to do more to help it get quieter. I wish it was easy for me like I see it is for others. I wish I didn't feel out of breath or hot. But it's not, and I don't. Still, I have to get on. Please get on.

Christmas is just around the corner.

 This weekend, something really awful happened. Well, I found out that one of my classmates took his own life last week. It made me really sad because he wasn't the type of person that I'd ever think would be capable of doing something like that. No one should kill themselves ideally, but honestly, he's the last person I'd ever guess would do something like that. Anyway, I told my parents about it and it just made me realise, they still don't get it. They were talking about it using a lot of general terms sort of distancing themselves from the issue as if it could never happen to them. To say the truth, I've had moments where I've honestly felt like doing something like that. What made me stay? I couldn't tell you. 

Anyway, my sister is the only one who sort of gets it. We've both been through the same high school so we know how bad things are there. There's no support for students and we're kind of just treated like achievements rather than people. It's exhausting. To make it worse, trying to explain things to your parents and have them put it down to being just 'a part of life'- that doesn't help anything. I hate it when parents say that you can ask them for help and when you do, they're apathetic or try to act like it's a normal part of being when really, it shouldn't be. 

Anyway, I can get into the whole discourse of apathetic parents another time, that's not what I wanted to talk about. To tell you the truth, I'm jealous of people who are brave enough to follow through with their plans. Of all the times these past 2 years when I wanted to end things, I mostly just stayed because I was scared it would hurt. 

I really wish someone had checked up on him. He deserves to be alive. I can't imagine how bad his friends and family must feel but to say the truth, if someone decides that they don't want to be around anymore, there's little anyone can really do to make them change their mind.

I wish he'd just waited even a day more. When I've been feeling at my worst, I try to just wait until the next day, and actually time does heal all wounds. The things that feel the worst now tend to get better with time. It's a fact. Nothing is permanent, good and bad. Another fact. The point is, everything on Earth has an expiration date, and so that means that there'll come a day when things aren't so bad and they don't hurt that much.

I wont even judge because sometimes the only thing that's helped me see past things is having really good friends and family show me another perspective, and not everybody has that. I saw online that the act of suicide is often a spontaneous and sudden decision. So alot of people don't even process what they're doing. I just hoped we'd all be in a better place now, it hasn't even been a year since we graduated. Life just sucks so much sometimes and it's no one's fault but also it's our responsibility to make our own happiness. I guess sometimes, it's just too much for someone to handle. 

Christmas is in 2 days and all I can think about is all the times I almost killed myself. My parents will never know, because I don't trust them enough to tell them. I don't know what tomorrow holds, sometimes I say I'm only alive in the name of spite. Spiting my circumstances and the people who made my life miserable. Other times, I  just want to see if tomorrow will be slightly better than today. I don't like to hear about people I knew who did it because it makes me think that some day, when the delusion wears off, I might do that to myself too. It's so crazy like you never know. Where will I be next year? Where will my friends be? I can't save anyone, not even myself. 

I'd like to think that I've been through the worst so now I don't have any reason to do that but the thing about life is there's always something. Maybe one day I'll just decide I'm done with it, I don't know. It could happen to anyone, just this time it happened to Nelson. 

Picture of the staircase at school I took on the last day of my exams

I'm applying to another course

 So, a couple of days, I wrote on here that I was feeling like crap because I didn't get into the course I wanted. I thought I truly wanted to get into that course, but doing this coding bootcamp has given me some clarity on where my interests lie. I really do enjoy coding, I see it as an art and it's really rewarding to be struggling to do something one day and then work on it and be an expert a few days later. I know it sounds corny but that's what it is to me.

Anyway, yesterday I went online and I was looking up possible courses that could be in line with this new found interest and the thing is, I want to do something in coding but not coding alone because that feels repetitive. So I settled on data science. I looked at the requirements for the course and I seem to have all of them and the coding course in addition to that so I'm going to apply to it today and hopefully I'll get in. 

I was thinking about the whole rejection is redirection thing and I guess that really applies here, not to say I'm not still butthurt over the possibility of me never being an engineer in this lifetime. I don't think I'll fully get over that, but things happened the way they did and so I can't spend the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself. Life goes on. 

That's it from me. The next time I write on here will be with news on whether or not I got in. I really want to believe this is 'it' working out but I'm still unsure. I guess I won't know until I get there. 

I feel like a failure

 Hi. It's been over a year since I wrote on here and I just remembered I had this blog so I thought I'd check back in. Biggest thing that happened this year is that I graduated from high school but I should've known that that would have been the last time I'd feel genuine happiness. To start, when my results came back, I barely managed to achieve my diploma--like barely. So that was that and to be honest I was so burnt out and just upset that the last 2 years of my life had meant absolutely nothing. My parents started pressuring me to apply to college and I just knew that with my results I'd be asking for a miracle. So I guess I was right because yesterday I got back a rejection letter from Strathmore. This is an all time low for me. Like a few years ago you'd say that I'd be going to like Oxford or Cambridge and now I can't even get into a local university. I'm actually retarded.

Honestly I tried to act like it didn't bother me when I read it but when I woke up today it just hit me. It's frickin embarassing and how can I not feel like a failure? I do want to believe that it'll all work out in the end and all those dumb things people say to themselves to feel better about something not working out but this has happened too many times for me to not believe that there's something wrong with me. Even worse when I go online and seeing all my old classmates in their unis and like getting on in life while I'm still here at home with not a single offer.

And another thing, being at home all the time is making me sick. I feel so constrained and like limited in terms of the things I have to do. Which is why I wanted to go back to school but clearly, I'm too stupid to get in. I just wake up and sit in the same spot for hours on end just working on my coding work and waiting for the day to end. What even happened to me? Where did I go wrong? I'm so disappointed in the trajectory my life took. And I have no one to blame but myself so honestly nothing anyone is saying will make me feel any better because it's all my fault. 

Right now, I'm doing this online software engineering bootcamp so I think I just need to dedicate my full attention to that because I'm doing really well and I don't want to get complacent. But yeah, I'm feeling super depressed right now and just angry. I feel like a failure. I am a failure.

I'm almost done with high school

 Initially, I started this blog as a way to cope with this hellish place they've named high school. I didn't see myself getting this far to be honest and I thought it'd end up being a memoir in my name when I eventually decided to take my life. I know it sounds bad but hey, I didn't do it. Anyway, next Wednesday which is exactly a week from now I close for the last time ever because 3 weeks after that, my exams will begin. It feels strange to say that like I genuinely thought I'd be stuck here forever. I know it's dramatic but time moved so torturously slow back then. I didn't know if it would ever end and if I could bare to hang on any longer but I did. And now I get to look back and be proud that I stuck it out as long as I did.

This isn't going to be my final entry, I'll wrap this blog up on the day of graduation so that it can be a time-capsule of some sort from an era where I suffered the most but grew the most as well. I would like to say that it's easy to throw in the towel and take the easy route. I begged my parents so many times to take me somewhere else but I'm glad that they didn't because I had to be uncomfortable in order for me to change.

One word of advice I'd give someone whose shoes I was once in--a junior watching seniors finally be free from the daily torture and moving on to start their lives--don't ever doubt that that could be you. It'll come faster thank you think then you'll be wishing time would slow down. Every stage comes with its challenges, so just be strong for a little while. I promise you, it's worth it.

Guide to being the 'quiet kid'

Sometimes people will talk down to you like you're their pet, say stuff that they expect you to agree with like you're not a living, breathing human being with independent thoughts and opinions.

"We're friends right?"

"Why don't you ever talk?"

Or assume things about your personality. Calling you 'innocent' and infantilizing you like you grew up on a different planet where there's always sunshine and rainbows. They act like they know everything about you even if you've never had a conversation with them. They make decisions and speak for you, answer questions that were directed at you like you're some kind of mute. So you end up becoming one. 

Your silence is not a crime or a reason for anybody to treat you unfairly. Someone once said that loud people project their insecurities onto quiet people.

"Oh she's rude."

"He's weird."

You go through life feeling like it's a requirement to get along with everybody even though that's not even realistic. When you're loud, people look at you and use your personality to decide if they want to be your friend. But when you're quiet, you're a blank canvas, they look at you like a project, like something to acquire and make their own.  You're just an accessory.

Nobody cares to ask about your interests, your likes and dislikes, then when you mention a hobby of yours they act like you've said something that's out of this world. Like you're a 'personalitiless' bland slab of meat that walks around aimlessly. It's like you're not perceived as a person.

How do you fly a plane if the instruction manual is in Chinese?( assuming you don't speak the language...) Well, you could try using the pictures as clues but it's not a children's novel so you're not getting very far. So is the situation entirely hopeless, should you just give up?

Well no. For a start, you have the manual, all you need is to learn Chinese! Not an easy task I know but the point I'm trying to make is you can learn to speak their language. You don't have to be fluent, you just have to know enough to get the plane in the air--to achieve the goal you want to achieve, to get by.

You can pick up on a few mannerisms for when you meet new people, or for how to ask for things and most importantly, how to stand up for yourself. The only way you'll get good at these things is by doing them. It's going to suck for a while but do them whenever you can, even if they feel unnatural or like you're acting. It will only get less scarier if you show yourself it's not that hard. Practice, practice, and practice some more until you're fluent. If you're tired, take a break and pick it up tomorrow. 

Grammar, vocabulary, and tenses create a blend of speech that allows us all to relate to each other.

But you don't learn it all in one day. Slowly you'll begin to accumulate a repertoire of these skills and find your place in the sea of chaos we call society. Chin up.

Nala

This is my dog Nala,

she's my best friend.

I met her when I needed something good in my life,

and she was the best thing that came into it.

I went through quarantine with her,

and our bond strengthened.

When schools reopened and I went back,

she'd always be waiting for me at the door when I came back.

Her jumping in my arms and being happy to see me

would always raise my mood no matter what type of day I had.

She saved me through a very hard time. 

I promised we'd always stay together,

Then we moved houses and she couldn't come with us.

Nala doesn't know our new lease said we couldn't bring any pets.

She knows her best friend in the world wasn't there for her when she needed it.

She doesn't know that she's different,

She only knows that her family left her.

Friends

 Lunch goes by slower when you have no friends,

Hallways feel more crowded when you have no friends,

Jokes are less funny when you have no one to share them with,

Excitement dies down quicker when no one else is fanning the flame.