Hi. It's been over a year since I wrote on here and I just remembered I had this blog so I thought I'd check back in. Biggest thing that happened this year is that I graduated from high school but I should've known that that would have been the last time I'd feel genuine happiness. To start, when my results came back, I barely managed to achieve my diploma--like barely. So that was that and to be honest I was so burnt out and just upset that the last 2 years of my life had meant absolutely nothing. My parents started pressuring me to apply to college and I just knew that with my results I'd be asking for a miracle. So I guess I was right because yesterday I got back a rejection letter from Strathmore. This is an all time low for me. Like a few years ago you'd say that I'd be going to like Oxford or Cambridge and now I can't even get into a local university. I'm actually retarded.
Honestly I tried to act like it didn't bother me when I read it but when I woke up today it just hit me. It's frickin embarassing and how can I not feel like a failure? I do want to believe that it'll all work out in the end and all those dumb things people say to themselves to feel better about something not working out but this has happened too many times for me to not believe that there's something wrong with me. Even worse when I go online and seeing all my old classmates in their unis and like getting on in life while I'm still here at home with not a single offer.
And another thing, being at home all the time is making me sick. I feel so constrained and like limited in terms of the things I have to do. Which is why I wanted to go back to school but clearly, I'm too stupid to get in. I just wake up and sit in the same spot for hours on end just working on my coding work and waiting for the day to end. What even happened to me? Where did I go wrong? I'm so disappointed in the trajectory my life took. And I have no one to blame but myself so honestly nothing anyone is saying will make me feel any better because it's all my fault.
Right now, I'm doing this online software engineering bootcamp so I think I just need to dedicate my full attention to that because I'm doing really well and I don't want to get complacent. But yeah, I'm feeling super depressed right now and just angry. I feel like a failure. I am a failure.
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