As you know, I'm very open about my anxiety problems and I speak about them in almost every post. The truth is, the first time I felt anxiety was when I was 4 and just started school. Of course back then, they just said I was shy and would grow out of it. I am much confident than I was then but the truth is, the anxiety never left. It's always there, even when I'm not really doing anything; I just feel short of breath and like I'm supposed to be somewhere, or doing something but I'm not really sure what that is. It's persistent and relentless and I hate it.
Today morning, I watched a TedTalk about anxiety and it was quite insightful. Honestly, the times when I've been able to silence my anxiety, albeit for a little while, are the times when I've tricked myself into thinking I don't care. I feel like everyone is determined to give everything a label nowadays and yes it's good to give a name to your issue but at the same time, it makes it seem like this insurmountable, out of control thing that you can't do anything about. Yes, it is your brain releasing these chemicals that trigger the anxiety but your brain is a part of you, it IS you. You're not disconnected, or in conflict with each other.
It's nice to pass the blame onto something else because then it's not your fault therefore not your problem to deal with. At the end of the day, other people might give you a pass with that excuse but ultimately, you're the one left suffering because you refuse to do anything about it. I know because for the longest time I used my anxiety as a reason to opt out of having to speak during a group presentation, or going out somewhere or trying to talk to new people and people were really nice and understanding but at the end of the day, when I had to sit back and reflect, I felt intense shame and just like I'd denied myself of opportunities.
We're all going to die someday so nothing we do will have any impact on our lives once that happens. Constantly living on the side of caution is such a waste. I am not perfect even now but every chance I have to take control of my brain I do. I offer to give a presentation, I offer to go ask for extra napkins at a restaurant, I ask how to use a machine at the gym, I ask questions in class when I don't understand, I ask classmates for help doing an assignment. Does it get easier each time? I don't know. I still feel that racing feeling just before I do any of these things, but I can say, the relief afterwards is almost immediate.
Ironically, when I'd avoid situations in hopes of not triggering my anxiety, I'd get more anxious thinking about what I missed out by skipping doing whatever.
When I go online and see people posting about their anxiety, it makes me sad but also angry. It's not a physical disability or cancer or something that has to be medicated to cure. It reminds me of this picture:
Honestly, you just have to tell your mind to be quiet sometimes. I say this, not to be insensitive, believe me I struggle with anxiety almost every day, from the moment I get up to the moment my eyes shut at night. I'm just saying that the only times I receive momentary peace and I'm able to do things my anxiety forbids are when I refuse to give my anxiety attention and give it power by calling it a disorder or 'how I am'. It's just one aspect of me.
I want to do more to help it get quieter. I wish it was easy for me like I see it is for others. I wish I didn't feel out of breath or hot. But it's not, and I don't. Still, I have to get on. Please get on.
No comments:
Post a Comment