Christmas is just around the corner.

 This weekend, something really awful happened. Well, I found out that one of my classmates took his own life last week. It made me really sad because he wasn't the type of person that I'd ever think would be capable of doing something like that. No one should kill themselves ideally, but honestly, he's the last person I'd ever guess would do something like that. Anyway, I told my parents about it and it just made me realise, they still don't get it. They were talking about it using a lot of general terms sort of distancing themselves from the issue as if it could never happen to them. To say the truth, I've had moments where I've honestly felt like doing something like that. What made me stay? I couldn't tell you. 

Anyway, my sister is the only one who sort of gets it. We've both been through the same high school so we know how bad things are there. There's no support for students and we're kind of just treated like achievements rather than people. It's exhausting. To make it worse, trying to explain things to your parents and have them put it down to being just 'a part of life'- that doesn't help anything. I hate it when parents say that you can ask them for help and when you do, they're apathetic or try to act like it's a normal part of being when really, it shouldn't be. 

Anyway, I can get into the whole discourse of apathetic parents another time, that's not what I wanted to talk about. To tell you the truth, I'm jealous of people who are brave enough to follow through with their plans. Of all the times these past 2 years when I wanted to end things, I mostly just stayed because I was scared it would hurt. 

I really wish someone had checked up on him. He deserves to be alive. I can't imagine how bad his friends and family must feel but to say the truth, if someone decides that they don't want to be around anymore, there's little anyone can really do to make them change their mind.

I wish he'd just waited even a day more. When I've been feeling at my worst, I try to just wait until the next day, and actually time does heal all wounds. The things that feel the worst now tend to get better with time. It's a fact. Nothing is permanent, good and bad. Another fact. The point is, everything on Earth has an expiration date, and so that means that there'll come a day when things aren't so bad and they don't hurt that much.

I wont even judge because sometimes the only thing that's helped me see past things is having really good friends and family show me another perspective, and not everybody has that. I saw online that the act of suicide is often a spontaneous and sudden decision. So alot of people don't even process what they're doing. I just hoped we'd all be in a better place now, it hasn't even been a year since we graduated. Life just sucks so much sometimes and it's no one's fault but also it's our responsibility to make our own happiness. I guess sometimes, it's just too much for someone to handle. 

Christmas is in 2 days and all I can think about is all the times I almost killed myself. My parents will never know, because I don't trust them enough to tell them. I don't know what tomorrow holds, sometimes I say I'm only alive in the name of spite. Spiting my circumstances and the people who made my life miserable. Other times, I  just want to see if tomorrow will be slightly better than today. I don't like to hear about people I knew who did it because it makes me think that some day, when the delusion wears off, I might do that to myself too. It's so crazy like you never know. Where will I be next year? Where will my friends be? I can't save anyone, not even myself. 

I'd like to think that I've been through the worst so now I don't have any reason to do that but the thing about life is there's always something. Maybe one day I'll just decide I'm done with it, I don't know. It could happen to anyone, just this time it happened to Nelson. 

Picture of the staircase at school I took on the last day of my exams

I'm applying to another course

 So, a couple of days, I wrote on here that I was feeling like crap because I didn't get into the course I wanted. I thought I truly wanted to get into that course, but doing this coding bootcamp has given me some clarity on where my interests lie. I really do enjoy coding, I see it as an art and it's really rewarding to be struggling to do something one day and then work on it and be an expert a few days later. I know it sounds corny but that's what it is to me.

Anyway, yesterday I went online and I was looking up possible courses that could be in line with this new found interest and the thing is, I want to do something in coding but not coding alone because that feels repetitive. So I settled on data science. I looked at the requirements for the course and I seem to have all of them and the coding course in addition to that so I'm going to apply to it today and hopefully I'll get in. 

I was thinking about the whole rejection is redirection thing and I guess that really applies here, not to say I'm not still butthurt over the possibility of me never being an engineer in this lifetime. I don't think I'll fully get over that, but things happened the way they did and so I can't spend the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself. Life goes on. 

That's it from me. The next time I write on here will be with news on whether or not I got in. I really want to believe this is 'it' working out but I'm still unsure. I guess I won't know until I get there. 

I feel like a failure

 Hi. It's been over a year since I wrote on here and I just remembered I had this blog so I thought I'd check back in. Biggest thing that happened this year is that I graduated from high school but I should've known that that would have been the last time I'd feel genuine happiness. To start, when my results came back, I barely managed to achieve my diploma--like barely. So that was that and to be honest I was so burnt out and just upset that the last 2 years of my life had meant absolutely nothing. My parents started pressuring me to apply to college and I just knew that with my results I'd be asking for a miracle. So I guess I was right because yesterday I got back a rejection letter from Strathmore. This is an all time low for me. Like a few years ago you'd say that I'd be going to like Oxford or Cambridge and now I can't even get into a local university. I'm actually retarded.

Honestly I tried to act like it didn't bother me when I read it but when I woke up today it just hit me. It's frickin embarassing and how can I not feel like a failure? I do want to believe that it'll all work out in the end and all those dumb things people say to themselves to feel better about something not working out but this has happened too many times for me to not believe that there's something wrong with me. Even worse when I go online and seeing all my old classmates in their unis and like getting on in life while I'm still here at home with not a single offer.

And another thing, being at home all the time is making me sick. I feel so constrained and like limited in terms of the things I have to do. Which is why I wanted to go back to school but clearly, I'm too stupid to get in. I just wake up and sit in the same spot for hours on end just working on my coding work and waiting for the day to end. What even happened to me? Where did I go wrong? I'm so disappointed in the trajectory my life took. And I have no one to blame but myself so honestly nothing anyone is saying will make me feel any better because it's all my fault. 

Right now, I'm doing this online software engineering bootcamp so I think I just need to dedicate my full attention to that because I'm doing really well and I don't want to get complacent. But yeah, I'm feeling super depressed right now and just angry. I feel like a failure. I am a failure.